


Roses & Vanilla

by InTheMidnightRain



Series: Don't Ask, Don't Tell [2]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Alastor is Bad at Feelings (Hazbin Hotel), Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Angel Dust is Bad at Feelings (Hazbin Hotel), Asexual Alastor (Hazbin Hotel), Child Abuse, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, French Characters, Hospitals, Human Alastor (Hazbin Hotel), Human Angel Dust (Hazbin Hotel), Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Italian Character(s), Italian Mafia, M/M, Non-Human Humanoid Society, Overdose, Overdosing, Physical Abuse, Private School, Soft Alastor (Hazbin Hotel), Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Teenage Drama, Teenagers, Underage Drinking, Underage substance abuse, Verbal Abuse, radiodust - Freeform, this sounds bad but i hope you cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:22:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27224188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InTheMidnightRain/pseuds/InTheMidnightRain
Summary: Angel, who slowly decayed the summer following sophomore year, ends up in a coma. Alastor, who feels like he is losing Angel every time he sleeps, ends up having harsh flashbacks that take him through the entire summer, piece by rotten piece. Of course, some parts of it are sweeter, and he remembers things best not forgotten, but everything else is less so, and reminds him of how they ended up in this position.On the plus side, Angel is beautiful, even as his insides slowly burn up, and turn to ash..⋆｡⋆☂˚｡⋆｡˚☽˚｡⋆.( * The first chapter provides basic clarity for why this story is nothing,,, but,,, so,,, many,,, gaps (watch your step) so if that doesn't interest you, just skip it! <3 * )
Series: Don't Ask, Don't Tell [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1987531
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

This is a small portion of the sequel to "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", and honestly, it won't make any sense because 90% of the story is,,, non-existent. This is entirely just for me to see how it's taken in, and to see what people think! So please, leave me your thoughts, because that is the sole reason this exists pfft.

For more context, the first chapter of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" provides more clarity. 

A lot of the same warnings apply, this story handles heavy topics in it's few chapters, so proceed cautiously! If you think I portray something incorrectly, feel free to tell me. c:

That being said, into the deep end we go.


	2. ❝ I miss you too ❞

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an unsettling nightmare, Alastor is left with the realization that not even his dreams are a safe space in Angel's absence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alastor's point of view.

The sun was setting, casting a beautiful glow as it did, and giving us both a gentle warmth, despite the subtle breeze. Angel anxiously shifted closer to me, carefully getting situated as the before mentioned breeze blew his hair delicately. Everything about this moment made him look perfect, but Angel must not have felt the same - because he looked quite gloomy, and was also rather quiet. Despite how I perceived him, just looking at him left me feeling rather unsettled. I couldn't help but study him, and question multiple things, like what was wrong - and as stupid as it was, I also wondered if he was cold. For once, however, Angel didn't hesitate to voice his thoughts without my usual applied pressure in the form of asking.

"Do you miss me?" His fragile voice questioned, his accent being choked down. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion, because I didn't understand his question, not in the least. He was here with me right now, wasn't he? Unless that wasn't what he meant... It made me wish he'd look at me, like his expression would give me answers, but he continuously looked at the cliff, his soul-stealing eyes not budging one bit. Of course I wondered what he was thinking- I hoped nothing bad, and I could hope the anxiety was building itself off of nothing, but his fixation on the sharp edge disturbed me. I could hope that for once, I was reading too much into things. "...What do you mean, mon cher?" I nervously asked, hoping my question wouldn't upset him. I couldn't even tell if it did, because he simply took a deep breath, closing his eyes for just a few seconds, before they ominously drifted back to the cliff. /There you go, once more/. "...Do you miss me?" Angel repeated, and I assumed he hoped I would get it this time, but I didn't. I felt as if i was missing something obvious, something on the tip of my tongue.

I felt very lost, and was at a total loss for words for once, not sure what he wanted to hear, much less what he meant. I had not a clue on where to even begin. I tried, I tried saying /something/, but my thoughts ended abruptly. "I..." I short circuited. My surroundings faded from my attention rapidly, I could feel the subtle tug from my thoughts that tried desperately to lull me. Angel was right here, right? But was I supposed to assume he meant if he wasn't? If Angel wasn't here, of course I'd miss him, it'd undoubtedly feel like torture, but somehow that didn't feel like it fit as an answer. A strong sense of grief washed over me, like a tidal wave, I was selfishly lost in my head, trying to decipher Angel's question about when he finally looked at me. I think I could feel the exact moment my heart shattered, his eyes full of tears, and his expression incredibly pained. Now, instead of my surroundings fading, it was him, he felt like a ghost in seconds. I was about to answer, and pray to whatever god that he would like it - that it would stop his tears from spilling, but just as I was about to speak...

It came to a sharp end. I jolted awake, my eyes wide for a moment as I sharply inhaled, glancing around the room. I was seated in a chair I had moved closer to the bed, leaning on the before mentioned bed as I gripped Angel's freezing, and borderline lifeless hand. The bright lighting was just one of the many things that reminded me of where I was; I was in Angel's hospital room, and I had fallen asleep. Looking to the obnoxious clock in the room, I think I was out for a few hours, and judging by the faint sweat on my palm, I was holding his hand tightly the whole time.

That dream left me equally as heartbroken in my wake. I understood Angel's question now, and why he looked the extent of hurt that he did. It was mutual, because I felt the exact same when I remembered the situation we were in. /I do miss you, more than you will ever understand/. I had one hope, and that was the hope that this agony - the agony of missing him - wouldn't last forever, that the days wouldn't slowly transform into years. I'd never just give up on him, but I couldn't watch him rot forever, at the same time. His siblings were equally as disturbed as I was - but his father hardly cared. The bastard hadn't even visited him, but meanwhile, Molly and Arackniss came almost daily. No one stayed as long as I did, I spent every moment of my freetime here, unable to convince myself that leaving him alone would be okay. I burned through the majority of my books, reading them over, or for a first time, all in the time from when this started to now. After getting nagged by Molly about how talking to him was supposed to help, I begrudgingly mentioned things to him from time to time, like how Husk was worried - but wouldn't admit it, or how Meoweficent had started acting depressed - seemingly from noticing he stopped visiting. Sometimes I'd just tell him how my day went. It just made me that much more depressed, however, it reminds me of the gravity of everything, this situation. Angel already took my heart with him when he left me in this state of purgatory, and I cringe imagining what would happen if I never saw it again. 

I hated how he cut it out of my chest without hesitance, and held such a sensitive organ incredibly dear in his comatose state, where I couldn't dream of taking it back. I was mocked by every second that passed, every beep that signified his barely beating heart was trying to function. Then there was just... him in general, and how he somehow looked peaceful, and angelic to every sense of the word, despite his endless sleep. Maybe the way he looked was what betrayed me the most. He didn't look peaceful when this started, he looked like he was on the edge of being completely burnt up inside, and now it's simply cruel that even when his insides are reduced to ash, he is simply magnificent, with his nice jawline, and hypnotizingly rosey cheeks.

I think the hardest to swallow thing about it all was not being able to say goodbye. Goodbye would feel slightly out of place, but it was better than nothing. Part of me felt like I lacked closure, like something was lingering that I had missed, something only Angel could know. Then, there were the scary thoughts that told me he's never waking up, and admittedly, that's certainly a possibility, right? That made goodbye fitting, which made my absent heart viciously ache. If Angel was just gone, I could never recover. In thinking about such horrible things, I only managed to unsettle myself more, but that was all he left me with, he ripped apart my soul, and reminded me that I had no say over the well being of my heart.

I unsettled myself so badly that I couldn't help but look to him once more, to intensely study his perfect features, hoping that in doing so, I'd find any level of serenity in this wasteland. /I don't think I could ever actually say goodbye to you, I'm not prepared to, no matter how hard I try to be. I miss you, so please tell me this isn't the end of our time/.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh-oh, I dropped my angst
> 
> Meoweficent is Alastor's cat, by the by.


	3. ❝ Held by the delicate hands of post-mortem ❞

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alastor can't shake a bad feeling he has, and realizes it's for a very good reason when he gets a text that dramatically shifts everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alastor's point of view.
> 
> Trigger warning: This chapter has a suicide attempt in the form of a drug overdose, and other heavy topics.

Today was radio silent, passing by peacefully, like ships in the night, and this evening was no exception.

I remember the sun setting, the way it set and cast a warm glow in the living room, the way it made me feel strangely cold and empty. I couldn't explain those powerful feelings, or even how they washed over me, but they twisted my entire world upside down. Nothing was completely wrong, I was okay, Angel was okay, today had been okay. Yet, a gloomy feeling resided in my heart all day; a heavy feeling. Then again, maybe Angel wasn't okay - or I was overthinking things, but he himself seemed to be stuck in a neutral state today, I related. I theorized his mood is what watered mine until it bloomed, because I felt peaceful enough before I spent time with him today. That alone felt strange - Angel was insistent on spending time with me today, and he could be bossy sometimes, in an endearing way, but only when he felt like he needed things to click into place just right. Today had to be the closest thing to dying. I couldn't make heads or tails of it, admittedly. 

Angel told me that if I had plans, I had to lose them. Angel didn't let me have any further arguments. Was I over thinking things? Or was something wrong? Why was he so insistent on trying to make me happy today? At the time, it was easy to ignore how bizarre he was acting. It was like he was trying to feign being okay, for my sake, make today something I'd look back on fondly, but thinking back on it made my stomach turn, yet there was a part of me trying so hard to rationalize, but the rest of me was terrorizing that shamelessly. They were feelings that were locked in a box that I refused to go back to, feelings of dread, a feeling of 'he's incredibly fragile and what happens if no one catches him when he falls', but it didn't make sense to feel this way, at least it didn't for awhile, I thought I was overtired and my brain was on overdrive and making things up to make the deafening silence bearable. I could trace back to the very second my soul left my body. 

For some time, I waited for Angel to respond to a text I sent him. It was insignificant for sure, but part of me needed his attention right now, for him to reply and make me realize my thoughts were irrational beyond a doubt, so I sat on the couch anxiously, staring at my phone like I had nothing better to do - watching it, like I expected it to move. Maybe it was ten minutes, it could have been twenty, it could have been hours, I just know it was dark, and now the room was dark as well, accordingly. The screen lit up, a notification saying he responded. I reached forward, picking it up off the coffee table and unlocking it. There was a voice, it told me to not read it, then there was one that argued, begging me to go faster, and I couldn't decide which to side with. One was soft, it was just trying to protect me from what I couldn't anticipate, keep my heart beating in some impossible way for just a little longer, and the other voice was stern, but only because it wanted me to forget about myself right now and make sure his heart continued to beat too.

I couldn't decide if reading that message was the best or worst thing I had ever done.

"I love you so much, and as you read this, I know you'll think I don't, that I'm trying to torture you... That's fair. I have no idea how to say this, because it's so much harder than it seems, but I wanted you to get my final thoughts, my last words, even though it's such a heavy burden to give you, such a painstakingly written letter. I'm shaking so much as I type this, I'm so scared,"

I don't remember much from that point, but I remember how my eyes blurred with tears, how I sacrificed my heartbeat - how I couldn't see a single thing.

"-but I can't do this anymore. You are the only good thing in my life anymore and the bad overwhelms you. Please don't think I'm doing this because of you. Remember when I told you how my dad said he wished I died the time I overdosed before? I think it's time now. You are the warmth I never deserved, the happiness I never knew I was missing, and it hurts to imagine an infinity without you, so please do me a favor, and join me in the after life some time, after it's your time. My heart longs for you to listen to it beat, and will stop before you can, isn't that a pity? I adore you, you are the beginning of my days in the sun, and I wanted you to be the ending of them too. Goodbye, Alastor. The upside is the stars are gorgeous tonight. Please don't forget me, because I'm ending this thinking about you. No matter what, you are my Smiles, okay?" 

That was the very second my soul left my body, the moment time was too quick, and I lost it between my fingers like sand. It was a blur, a blur of me shoving my phone into my pocket and jolting up. A blur of my mother just barely coming into the room and asking what was going on, and I dismissed it saying I had to go, grabbing my keys off the table and running out the front door before I even realized I had moved. I knew exactly where Angel was. 'The upside is the stars are gorgeous tonight'. Oh Angel, you would, wouldn't you?

I was definitely speeding, but nothing else mattered, not even slowing down just so I could breathe. I couldn't see past the tears anyway, it was just going to get added to the list of my status conditions, it'd have to get into the metaphorical line. I remember how our timeline played painfully in my head, every moment where he laughed, or even cried, or the moments where he did something incredibly dumb, but intentionally so, in hindsight, just so I'd laugh. Or the moments where Angel and I got quiet. Or our serious talks, about things that made him go through moments of existential dread. Everything, it was everything that made Angel a celestial being, simply passing by as he used such a weak, fragile body as a vessel. It was everything that made him perfect, followed by everything that was happening, the reminder that Angel was letting go, in the one place where he felt at peace. I was there too soon, and running through the border of trees around the meadow, not slowing down for a second, not for anything. Amongst tall grass, and flowers, there was a faint outline. The outline of a fallen angel, who had rapidly cut any string that kept him here, and instead collapsed into the grass, where he continued to lay as he died, below brilliant stars that continued to shine mockingly like he hadn't threatened to tear apart my world as he stopped his heart from beating. Amongst flowers that were vivid, with blood spilled onto the dirt, mixed with some other things that his body refused to keep down, drugs of some sort, but not before it was just a little too late. Where the moon illuminated his perfection, but only because he was wilting. Where his celestial body cracked, and threatened to break into tiny pieces. 

I slid to a stop and to my knees beside Angel, already in the process of calling an ambulance, shaking so badly that hitting the correct numbers was next to impossible, reaching a shaky hand to him. "No no no, you can't do this to me. There isn't a life after this, there just isn't..!" I remember pleading, begging to whatever god that had long since abandoned me, that left me in my worst nightmare, begging for this to not be it, for anyone else to take his place, for anything else to be happening. Time reconciled for it's previous behavior by stopping completely, leaving me alone with what currently remained of Angel, as I picked him up carefully. He was still as death, and colder than anyone should be, he was paler than he normally was in some impossible way, but a heart was still fighting to beat, and it wasn't mine. Some part of him was trying so hard to hang on, just long enough for me to fix him. Some part of Angel was fighting it, because that was what he was best at, and I begged that part of him to hang on, just a second longer. 

Everything about the sight of him tore into me and made me bleed faster than I could cry, faster than the faint siren could approach, faster than I could correct the situation. I think the thing that hurt most was the acknowledgement that Angel was thinking about me, but instead of the hoodie he stole from me so long ago being something I became fond of seeing him in, it instead pushed the knife deeper in the wound. You would Angel, you absolutely would, and not because you're trying to break me, but you're too good at it anyway. 

I remember breaking down properly as I got back to where I abandoned my car, the sirens growing incredibly close, and even more, I pleaded for it to not be Angel, not this time, because it couldn't be, because there was no longer a world that could function without him. I don't think I had ever held him so closely, or cried so hard, or felt like my world was splitting in half- I could see rocky waters just past the cliff, and my rationality, alongside my happiness, took the plunge. What if I did too? Angel can't just do this to me- I'd die. I'd be dead before I knew it, a broken case holding rotting organs. If this was goodbye, I'd never be able to forgive him, as selfish as that is.

Home is where they say the heart is, but I don't think that was true for either of us. Instead, we held a questionable ritual, and by the end of it, I had his heart in a death grip. That was mutual. I didn't know someone could die without their heart even in their chest - to be honest, I didn't know anyone could live without it either, but we proved the impossible was possible. I didn't know I could live without my heart, but feel like I was dying. I didn't know mine could get buried six feet under in the dirt, held by the delicate hands of post-mortem.

I could imagine being on one of those ships, going to sleep like that night would be any other, but truly, I'd wake up underwater, due to the collision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines here is a list of the suicide prevention hotlines. I can't tell you if they are all accurate, but it was the best list I could find.


	4. ❝ You aren't supposed to be a literal angel ❞

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angel's point of view.

I couldn't quite describe the faint ringing in my ears as my eyes opened. I was disoriented as ever, and admittedly, I wondered if this was some after life at first, if I was dead. That'd be ideal, after the nightmares, the calls from a distant world, begging me to come back to earth. Faint voices, and memories of me and Alastor that filled my heart with weights and made it heavy. It was incredibly bright here... wherever "here" was, it was making it harder to discern where I was at first. When my eyes eventually adjusted, and my hearing seemed to as well, I could pick up on a faint beeping, like a heartbeat monitor. Then there was the other straight forward hints of the bright lights and cold setting, that tried to impersonate a comfortable one. I don't think I could ever tell a soul about how I felt... disappointed, heartbroken even. 

I attempted to move my hand based on instinct, not quite registering the faint warmth encapsulating it, and instead, when I attempted to, I felt the subtle stir of a demon sleeping with his arms rested on the bed beside me. Rather instantly, I gave up on moving that arm entirely, I was content with just rubbing my eyes weakly with my free hand, inhaling a sharp breath. There were a lot of things that felt rather impossible right now, like breathing, or not being incredibly aware of my heartbeat - which gave me anxiety. Moving was a pain, even when it came to small movements. Maybe my subconscious was just playing tricks on me, but my entire body ached, and I couldn't help but wonder what /that/ was about. After I indulged in my own feelings and thoughts selfishly for awhile, then also blankly staring at the ceiling, I finally bothered to look over, only to be greeted by Alastor being the one weighing my left arm down. 

I don't know why I was a little surprised, but there he was - like a loyal dog or something. It made me question exactly how long he had been there, especially if he had fallen asleep. Just seeing his face, after everything that I was aware happened (let alone what I still needed to get caught up on), made powerful emotions force their way into my body, from just about everywhere, and if they struggled with that, they made new entrances, in the form of sharp slices on my stomach. I couldn't help but tear up, just looking at his sleepy face, even as he further stirred, and started to wake up. Part of me begged for him to stay asleep, just a little longer, but that wouldn't happen, the universe was too cruel. He emitted soft breaths until he started to wake up, ones I could almost feel against my own skin, then there was the deeper inhale as he started to open his eyes, which were a touch groggy, even maybe a little red, unfocused and blurry, but eventually they became clearer, as they focused on my skin, slowly trailing up my arm as Alastor reluctantly sat up, still seeming quite drowsy. Nonetheless, when his eyes focused on my face, they widened. I don't think I quite understood why he looked shocked.

Although, I felt a little embarrassed to be all weepy eyed, until Alastor's dull eyes suddenly flooded with tears too, then... I felt like my reaction was a little less ridiculous, and like it would be okay for fleeting moments. It was all because of the way his expression relaxed, and he tightened the hold on my hand. Yet, all I could weakly manage before was the mere achievement of resting my free arm across my stomach, sort of disappointing. It was funny how I felt ten levels of disoriented and confused, and everything felt so sudden, yet my main focus was on my own short comings. He hesitated to speak, dissecting me like he always did, prying into the deepest parts of my soul like he always did but... strangely gentle about it for once, like his subconscious was aware of my condition, which I'd never understand. Was it just Alastor's instincts? "Hey..." He spoke softly, hesitant to burst the nearly silent atmosphere, and my heartbeat hit just a little harder, while my breathing quickened by the smallest amount. Could I even speak? Was that possible? I sharply swallowed, hoping I could pep talk myself to /at least/ make the attempt. "...Hi." I choked out, and once more, his hold tightened. Was he afraid? /He looked afraid, like he could cry. Like if he let go, the illusion would shatter, but this was real, right? What do you have to lose, Alastor? You can tell me/. 

A pathetic scoff followed, he only had the courage to lead with that, looking away as he pondered something, sighing quietly as he settled on something to follow it up with. "Ah, let's not get ahead of ourselves, cher. Hm..." Alastor paused for a brief moment, sucking in a breath sharp enough that I'm surprised he didn't hurt himself. "I should introduce myself, right?" Then what followed was a coy grin, and I furrowed my brows in confusion. Don't I know who you are? "I'm Alastor, named after the drug, not the supernatural beings. Mm, how unfortunate, right?" Then, after he cleverly put that out there, it hit me harder than it ever had. The tears building up against my lower eyelid spilled hopelessly, without caution or care for what I wanted. I know what he hoped I'd say, but now I was sure I couldn't speak, and had to swallow once more before I even considered it. /Alastor, you expect too much of me/. "Uhm... Are you giving me your awkwardest introduction s-so it can only get better from h-here...?" I weakly stuttered, unable to stop the waterfalls from flowing from my eyes, but Alastor was roughly hysterical by now too, giving nothing more than a small nod with a small smile, but there was still his subtle, charming dimples, even though the smile was faint. 

I couldn't ignore how he gently moved my hand closer to his face, carefully nudging the back of it with his small nose, heedless of his own tears, or mine, or anything. I had a million questions to ask, but I didn't know where to start - or even if I could, I was even scared to ask anything. I just knew Alastor wasn't going to let go, and I... didn't want him to. This was okay. I put some level of energy into carefully intertwining our fingers, and willingly I let us stay like this for awhile, sort of a mental recharge, even if it did very little for me, I hoped it did something for him, I'm sure he needed it... after everything, whatever everything was. I didn't miss how Alastor struggled to breathe, sinking further into my touch as he sniffled. He wasn't the type to cry, yet I almost think he was crying more than me. 

With furrowed eyebrows once more, I inhaled a fragile breath, still trying to adjust to things. I managed to figure out what to say, where to start. "I'm very... disoriented..." I hesitantly admitted, listening to the soft hum that followed, Alastor withholding any judgments or whatever else, seemingly understanding. "Ange', you made a mistake. You aren't supposed to be a literal angel." Part of Alastor's response left me feeling empty, longing for more, but the other part of me felt overwhelmed and like it was plenty. "...Having said that, can we focus on different things? I'll answer any questions you have soon, okay?" Alastor negotiated softly, and it made me realize this was just as overwhelming to him. The endless tears falling down his face made that quite apparent. I could only manage a weak 'mhm', but I could never prepare for the soft sobs that leaked from Alastor as he began to cry harder. /Smiles, you never cry/. Through it, I barely managed to catch him speak, barely. 'I'm so relieved you're okay, I'm so happy you're here,' he whispered, followed by incredibly shaky and inconsistent breaths. Yet, as things got still, with only his soft noises and the rhythmic beeping in the background, Alastor found something else to say after a few minutes passed, trying to steady himself first, to settle his feelings and soothe them with a pacifier. "As long as I'm here, no one can hurt you, not even yourself, mon cher." and that was enough. My heart melted a little, but it would still take awhile to thaw, to come to with the rest of me, it was still on overdrive attempting to function without me if necessary.

Not even myself? I believe you, you would be protective enough of me to save me from even myself. You're a saint, and I don't deserve you. Where do we go from here? That's a scary thought. I know now why you only want to focus on right now, and I do too, because you're warm, and I've been missing it for what I assume is too long.


End file.
